“PAD”‘s story


I have been following this blog for a couple of days now and thought I would weigh in on the questions that Fr. Martin put forth. What is a gay catholic to do? What kind of life remains for these brothers and sisters in Christ, those who wish to follow the teachings of the church?  Officially at least, the gay Catholic seems set up to lead a lonely, loveless, secretive life.  Is this what God desires for the gay person?  I am a catholic christian woman, who lived a life fully immersed in the gay lifestyle for 18 years. Today however I am happy to proclaim by the grace of God that I don’t and its been 9 years. I will start off by telling you it isn’t because of Courage, or reparitive therapy or the likes. Its because I took a chance on the possibility that what the church teaches about homosexuality just might be true, and if it is, which I do believe it to be true, I was not willing to risk my soul, on it. God has blessed that decision.  My life isn’t lonely or loveless, it isn’t secretive, why because I have surrounded myself with faithful catholic chrisitians, and by faithful I mean they believe in church teachings, who witness to me everyday what appropriate relationships should look like, in married life, single life, and family life. Don’t get me wrong I do experience loneliness at times, however I don’t think my loneliness is different then my brothers and sisters, some who happen to be married and those that are still single. My experience with the gay lifestyle is that many folks living that lifestyle somehow think their cross is different then those who have never struggled with SSA. I don’t believe that, I believe that the call to holiness I have is the same for everyone, God makes no distinction in this call. I also don’t spend my time focusing on the above mentioned list of the things I can’t do because of SSA or defining myself by my sexuality. I try and focus on who it is God wants me to be, and ask for the grace to live that life. Some practical things I have done is attending daily mass and adoration. I go to reconciliation on a regular basis, I have a pastoral leader that I am accountable to. I also took the time to look at the root causes of my SSA and sought counciling where I needed to and prayer.  Some of you might come back and say it isn’t a choice or roll your eyes, I used to do that too. But I have experienced freedom in my choices and God wants to extend that freedom to all sinners. It isn’t without its fare share of pain and suffering but its worth it. As people we run from pain, we don’t want to hurt, we want what we want, when we want it and with who we want.  Here is a great quote from C.S.Lewis ”We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.” God does want the best for us but are we willing to trust Him, and wait on Him to fulfill it. Are we going to keep trying to fit God into our lives or are we willing to try and fit our lives into God’s life.

As a church we have not done well and certainly have a lot of room for growth in how we care for those who struggle with SSA. So I say lets pray that God will raise up a group of people who have a heart for those who struggle with SSA so that the walls that divide us can be healed.  That we can truly dialogue with one another, and I say truly dialogue because from my own experience those struggling with SSA seem to want to dialogue only if the end result is if the church will change its teachings on this topic.

There is a truth here and I have decided to live a life that is worthy of God’s inheritance. If I live for God I lose nothing but if live for my own inclinations, rights, desires, fantasies I could lose everything and I just am not willing to take the chance. Are you?
In Christs love,

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